


On His Own

by CherryQueen17



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Multi Chapter, Poor Raph, Savage Raph, Savage! Raph, Trauma, non Canon, takes place sometime after Man Vs Sewer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryQueen17/pseuds/CherryQueen17
Summary: Raph ends up alone in the sewers again; right after making a horrific discovery.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 108





	1. Alone

Raph wandered, his feet wet with sewer water as he searched for... he wasn’t too sure anymore. It hit him; he remembered he was looking for his siblings. Leo, Donnie and Mikey were probably looking for him, too.

Of course, despite being the oldest, Raph just had to be the one to get lost in the depths of the sewers, didn’t he? He was supposed to be more responsible than this, but instead, he’d slipped up and ended up getting lost.

Even worse, it was over something so stupid; The four of them had been acting out a scene from Jupiter Jim while taking a rare vacation day from crime fighting. Leo, as theatrical as he was, was the one who thought of it, of course. It was definitely fun while it lasted. ———————————————————————-

Leo took a bow after finishing the scene, at which he received thunderous applause from two out of the three other turtles with him. Donnie merely stood in annoyed silence. Finally, the purple-clad turtle spoke.

“Personally, I think I’d have made a much better Jupiter Jim. I’ve got the smarts, the good looks, the modesty-“

“Someone sounds jelly,” Leo interrupted, wrapping an arm around his twin, “it’s probably because your performance as the narrator was so lacking.”

“Come on,” Raph interjected, “You both did a good job!”

“Where was the heart? The conviction?” Leo posed, his hand curled up under his chin and his other hand placed on his hip dramatically.

“I would have given a ton of heart and conviction if it was a role I’m passionate about.” Donnie turned his nose up at his brother.

“Donnie should have played the villain instead,” Mikey spoke up, “He’s already got the inventions and the laugh. He’s just not evil.”

“Nah, he’s got that covered too,” Leo joked.

Raph started laughing, “He definitely wouldn’t have been a better bad guy than me.”

“Yes he would,” The youngest turtle argued, “You’re way too nice to be a villain.”

Leo smiled. “Raph’s origin story would be that he got fed up with holding the only brain cell.”

“I would make a good villain, huh? “ Donnie considered, his hand under his chin. “It would fit with my typical ‘emotionally distant bad boy” persona.”

The four turtles joked with each other while looking through the comic for another scene to play out; until they were rudely interrupted.

The Sando Brothers crawled out from the depths of the sewer water near Leo’s feet. The turtles all got into fighting positions.

———————————————————————  
  
“Do you know what it’s like to be trapped in these sewers for past three months and the only thing you manage to eat has been sewer rats?” One of the Sando Brothers’ argued, as he repeatedly tried to strike and stab Leo and Raph with his claws, “But then we thought, ‘eating some turtles sounds pretty good right now.’ Once we’re done with you all, we’ll probably go and eat that overgrown rat next!”

“You know,” Leo argues back, dodging the attacks, while Raph punches the Brother from behind, “We could just tell you guys how to leave the sewers instead. Just a suggestion.”

“Nardo,” Donnie shouted to Leo, while sparring with the second Sando, “I’m pretty sure their just looking for an excuse to kill us.”

Mikey swung his weapon, the tip of his kusari fundo wrapped around a piece of debris, hurling it at the crab Donnie was fighting. “We have some pizza if you guys want some! Is it alright if it’s a seafood combo?”

“Mikey!” Raph lifted up and tossed the first Brother like a salad, “don’t give away our hard earned pizza to the enemy!”

The first Sando Brother hadn’t gotten a clear look at Raph’s face until he saw the turtle running straight at him with the intention to kick him back into the depths of the sewers.

“Wait a minute,” the Sando Brother waves his claws in surrender, “it’s _you_! The one who tried to eat us!”

Raph paused and stopped in front of the cowering crab. “W-what?”

“Please! Don’t eat me!” The crab begged. He pointed at the other crab. “Eat my brother! He’s _much_ tastier!”

The other crab, who was being tackled by Donnie and Mikey, gave an offended look.

Raph started laughing, showing off his sharp teeth, which, unbeknownst to him, only served to make the crab even more nervous. “I’m not gonna _eat_ you! What’d give you that idea?”

“Don’t lie! You tried to do it before your brothers stepped in! You’re all a bunch of cannibals!” The Sando Brother didn’t seem to understand his own hypocrisy, but Raph wasn’t too focused on that.

Raph turned to his own brothers, and was almost about to point and laugh at the silly idea of actually trying to kill and eat his enemies, but the looks on his siblings faces stopped him in his tracks.

“Bro, look,” Leo had an uncharacteristically nervous look on his face, “it wasn’t as bad as you think- like, you did try to kill and eat them when you got lost and was wandering through the sewers alone-“

“ _Alone_...? I don’t-“ Raph struggled to remember what Leo was talking about. He looked at Donnie and Mikey, who were still dog piling the other crab.

Donnie wasn’t looking at him, but at the ground, with a sad expression on his face. “Raph- we knew it would make you feel terrible, so we just kinda thought you didn’t ... _have_ to know....”

Mikey’s face was a worried smile. “You didn’t hurt them, and even though you tried to attack us, you didn’t hurt any of us either, so it’s ok!”

“ _Mikey_!” Leo and Donnie yelled one unison.

Raph’s heart dropped. He didn’t care about the Sando Brothers at all, but the thought of cannabilism still disturbed him. But what was even worse was that he’d attacked his baby brothers. All because he was alone...

What else did he do when he was alone?

The crab Mikey and Donnie were holding down began to freak out, trying the shake the two turtles off. It didn’t stop Mikey from shouting encouragements at Raph, however. “Raph! No matter what you did, we still love you!”

“Not that I disagree, _but could you prioritize?!_ ” Donnie responded.

The Sando Brother Raph was talking to tackled him from behind, shoving Raph into a running channel of sewer water-that was headed towards a waterfall.

 _Oh no_.

“Raph!” Leo shouted, as the oldest turtle fell down, out of his siblings sight.

“Not again!” Donnie facepalmed.

—————————————————————

And now, Raph was lost and alone. He had no clue where he was; every dark, slimy tunnel looked identical. He was pretty familiar with his home, but this was far off from where they lived in the sewers.

Raph had always had a history of “getting weird” when he was left alone; he had a tendency to black out and not remember things he did during those periods. It’s been like that since he could remember.

The factors that enabled him to “get weird” never felt consistent; he was able to be alone for _certain_ period of time, such as when he and his brothers went to the mystical library to get Mayhem out of a mirror and they all, except for Raph, had gotten sent to the play room for being too loud.

Still, there was a difference between then and now; in that library, he had something to focus on, he knew what had to be done to save his brothers and Mayhem. He was on a mission, and knew what to do. He was scared, but at least it was a reasonable, tangible fear. There was _something_ to fight, and an enemy to win against.

This was different. There is no mission, there are no enemies he can punch and smash away, there are no lights, there is no goal, and he doesn’t even have his brothers or his dad or April to keep him company and joke about his fear with. He’s alone with his thoughts.

Raph was alone with _himself_.

Maybe it was better this way, since he attacked his brothers. What kind of older brother was he? 

Raph blinked, and, in a blur of motion, found himself with a sharpened stick in his hands.

_Wait..._

He hadn’t had this in his hands a few seconds ago. His head was feeling foggy. His hands shook. He felt so _sick_. He wished his brothers were here.

But that feeling of longing was replaced with even more anxiety, as he heard a strange creaking noise from somewhere above-

Was it his brothers? Rats?

_Sewer monsters, trying to kill him-?_

No, what? Raph shook his head in an attempt to clear it. Why would it be _sewer monsters_ of all things?

Raph was alone down here. There was nothing to be scared of.

So, then why was he still so afraid?

Raph stopped running and shook his head, as he leaned on the wall. He hadn’t even realized that he’d started running in the first place. He hoped they find him soon.

It’s only been a few hours, and he already feels himself _slipping_.


	2. Afraid

About three days had passed, and Leo, as much as he hated to say it out loud, was getting freaked out. 

The remaining three turtles had been searching for their older sibling for the remainder of the day after they fought off the Sando Brothers.

When the issue came about on how to deal with them, Donnie had offered to incinerate them, since he’d had a new laser setting he’d implemented into his artificial shell that he’d been itching to test out. (Leo, though mildly curious, shut him down.)

It took some time to discuss, until, finally, the three turtles tosses the Brothers out of the sewers and onto a busy street.They’d probably pose an issue later, but Leo figures they’d cross that bridge when they got to it. For now, they had to look for Raph. 

Which was proving harder than they all thought.

“Raph!” Mikey shouted, cupping his hands to his mouth as the three walked. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” He started whistling, like he was trying to call a puppy and not a turtle mutant. 

“Hey Angelo, you know that we’re looking for _our brother_ , right?” Donnie chimed in. Mikey gave Donnie a hard look and continued whistling. 

Leo walked in step with his twin. “I’d just let him do his thing. Him and Raph have, like, their own secret language, to be honest.” 

It was true; out of the four brothers, Raph and Mikey were definitely the two that had the...strangest methods of communication and problem solving. It would not surprise him in the least if Mikey’s whistling actually helped them find Raph. At this point, Leo was hoping it would work, deep down.

Right now, though, he was holding onto the hope that Raph would be right around the next corner, having found him right in the nick of time. He would be safe and -hopefully- _not violent_ , and all of them could just go home and get some well earned sleep.

It was already well into the night; the past three days had been spent looking for their older sibling. Splinter, who had given them a mission to do, had put it on hold when the trio told him what had happened. Right now, their father was off looking in some other tunnels to cover more ground.  


It took a lot to get Splinter out of his chair and away from his television, but one of his sons going missing was _definitely_ up there.

As they came to a fork in their path, Leo looked over to Donnie. 

His older twin was always trying to act aloof and distant, and he usually failed, because Donnie was way too dramatic and excitable to ever _really_ conceal his feelings. Leo could always read him; Donnie always shook his fists when he was excited or scared, he would grit his teeth and show off his crazy eyes when he was super pissed (which Mikey and Leo have gathered first hand) and he would get super quiet and sullen when he was upset. Like now. 

Donnie glanced back at Leo and gave him a glare. 

“Are you gonna ask me something, Nerdo?” His twin asked passive-aggressively. He was definitely trying not to show he was worried about Raph.

It must have been weird for Donnie to suddenly to have his only older sibling go missing. Leo decided to not mention that. “Do you think we should send out a couple more drones down the path on the left?” 

“We should just split up! Like they do in movies!” Mikey ran up behind them, having strayed farther behind.

Donnie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, ‘cus everybody knows that it’s the people who  _split up_ that never get killed, or eaten.” 

Mikey got an annoyed look on his face. “Oh come on, this is _Raph_ we’re talking about! I mean, he did try to kill us last time, but, I doubt he’d try to _eat_ us.“ Mikey smiled, “Plus, he didn’t even go through with killing us.”

“He didn’t go through with it because we stopped him in the first place.”

”Exactly!” Mikey beamed, “If he didn’t love us, we couldn’t have stopped him.”

Leo blinked, surprised that Mikey was actually making some sense. Still, Leo cut him off, putting his hands on his hips. “Look, Michael, It’s just safer. I think we’ll be better off if we have each other. Besides, who knows  what else is lurking down here?”

This part of the sewers was pretty unfamiliar to any of the turtles; they’d never gone this deep into the recesses of their home before. 

Donnie swiped a few buttons on his armband, and, sure enough, three purple, somewhat generic, drones flew by their heads from the direction they had came from and headed down the left tunnel. 

The three continued their journey. Leo couldn’t wait to have all of his family together. 

Well, maybe he shouldn’t be  too excited to see his oldest brother again; after all, last time they’d left him alone in the sewers, he certainly, um - well, “got weird” _._

No, actually- _“Getting weird” _was an understatement; Raph had worn an old, ragged cape, covered himself in sewer muck, and referred to himself in the third person, naming himself “Savage Raph”. And when they’d tried to calm him down, he didn’t even seem to__ __ remember he’d had any siblings  _at all_ as he attacked them, mistaking them for sewer monsters out to get him.  _ _

It was terrifying to say the _least_ , and he’d only been gone for a few  _hours_ .

Luckily, they’d brought him back around with a game of football - The Midnight Special \- and he was his regular, overbearing but pleasant self. However, Raph had never been lost  _this_ long before. Three days was a new record. 

Now that he thought about this, Raph had always been weird to leave by himself. As a child, Raph was the clingiest, and, when he wasn’t able to hold onto one of his brothers, would cling onto the edge of dad’s robe. As he got older, he started to be more independent, but Raph’s separation anxiety never truly left; it was pretty much cemented for all of the siblings that Raph was the “mother hen.” Leo never considered what the source of his anxiety stemmed from.

The Raph they found in that sewer, cooking the crab men alive and attacking the turtles with a spear, was  _not_ the older brother he knew...

...And yet, Leo still had to save him, because, no matter what, it  _was_ still his brother, even if he was lashing out.

The question remained; Just  _who_ would be waiting for them at the end of their search?

——————————————————-

Raph heard a distant buzzing, and instinctively held up his stick, it’s pointed end aimed towards the sound.

What could it be? He was  alone down here. 

He’d always been alone.

Everything for the past couple days had been a bizarre, terror fueled blur. It was like he was walking through a thick fog, unable to see what was behind or ahead of him. He hadn’t been able to sleep or rest or eat, but felt like he had to _keep moving_.

He didn’t even really know what he was scared of. He’d encountered nothing, and, yet, terror and anxiety followed him  _everywhere._

Raph decided to wade in the sewer water, away from the open air of the ledge he’d been walking on before. He looked less like a turtle and more like some type of monstrous crocodile, his spikes peaking from the water’s surface, his yellow, pupiless eyes glowing in the darkness of the tunnel. 

He took off his red mask and belts, and discarded them into the water; There was no use for them, and all they did was make him more visible. 

He didn’t care about how he looked at all. Down in these sewers, what mattered was  _surviving._ He hadn’t encountered anything dangerous yet, but he always needed to be prepared. 

The buzzing grew louder, until he saw three purple objects fly into his view from the darkness. 

_ “ Invaders!_ ” He growled out, and tossed his stick. Two of the objects dodged, but the third was struck and pinned to a wall, effectively destroyed.

Growling at the loss of his only weapon, he dipped lower in the water until only his upper face and shell spikes were visible, his eyes locked on the flying things circling him. Raph drew out his claws and bared his sharp teeth, his breathing heavy, ready to strike when _the invaders did-_

But they _didn’t_. One of the drones came down closer to his face, and an automated voice spoke from it.

“ Hello, Raphael. Your amazing and handsome brother Donatello has programmed me to lead you back home. If you follow me, I’ll escort you. ” 

Home...?  _Brother?_ He didn’t have either of those. It’s just been him in these sewers since...

Deep down, he got a sudden feeling of clarity. He’s not alone, not _really._ He has his  family \- 

Who he viciously attacked, and who seemed willing to forgive him for it  even when he _didn’t deserve it_ _ and who had to cover it up for  his sake, even  though he’s the oldest - _

The sudden clarity he’d felt was brief, and the onslaught of old, painful memories pushed him into panic mode. He shut them away.

He’d  _always_ been alone.

Raph lunged at the drone, grabbing it with his claws and sinking his teeth into the purple thing. Being an overgrown snapping turtle, he tore off a massive chunk, causing it to fizzle and spark.

He tossed it at a wall, and it shattered into pieces instantly. 

Taking deep, shuddering breathes, yet still far from truly calming down, Raph deliriously looked for the third drone. It seemed to have left.

Whatever, _It didn’t matter_. He kept moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if y’all can tell, but Raph is my favorite. I love how much a good big brother he is , he’s just great.
> 
> I figured Splinter would probably help out the search, since I can’t picture any parent just sitting while their kid is missing. I mean, Splinter is kind of a “hands off” parent, but at least when the turtles mess around, they’re either with each other or someone else (like when Mikey was hanging out with Todd). I can’t picture him just chilling when one of his sons is just MIA.
> 
> Thanks for reading! There’ll end one more chapter!


	3. Aggravated

It was when Leo heard a buzzing sound from behind him that he stopped walking. Whipping his head around, he saw one of the purple drones.

“Cool, they’re back!” Mikey put his hands behind his back. “That must mean they found him, right?”

“Huh,” Donnie huffed confusedly, “There’s only one of them...”

The drone hovered over to Donnie. “ _Raph has been located. Backup is needed.”_

“Oh, yeah!” Mikey pumped his fist. 

“That’s great,” Leo chimed after Mikey, but far less enthusiastically. One glance at Donnie told him that something was wrong. Leo could sense it, too. Weren’t there  _three_ drones before...?

“Give me any footage you collected during your search.” The drone made a few whirring sounds, and Donnie’s armband was beeping. Leo could see he was watching the footage on it.

The drone led the way and the trio followed it to where Raph, hopefully, was.

After turning down the fork in the tunnel they’d been to previously, Mikey was, for the first time in a few days, walking ahead of Donnie and Leo. It was clear he was excited to see his oldest brother again. 

Leo, on the other hand, was apprehensive. Normally, he’d be joking around with Mikey, but this situation was just so  _dire_ _,_ and suddenly his role of being the second oldest (for the time being) came to light. 

Donnie, being the more forward of twins, shouted for him. “Angelo, walk  _with_ us, not in front of us.”

Mikey slowed down his pace until he was walking next to them. “Why are you guys so serious? We’re finally gonna find Raph! And once we get back home, we’re gonna order his  favorite pizza, and-“ 

Mikey continued at length about what he and Raph would do when they finally got home. The youngest turtle never seemed to absorb a situation properly; Something was either the end of the world, or a mild inconvenience, or, sometimes, it started off as one and devolved into the other. 

Leo said some affirming “ _mm hmm_ ”s and “ _yeah_ ”s to Mikey to give the impression that he was actually listening, as he looked over Donnie’s shoulder to the small screen on his twin’s wrist.

Raph was facing the screen, probably looking at one of the drones. Leo almost didn’t recognize him; he was maskless, and covered in sewer muck. It wasn’t helped by Raph lunging at the camera, presumably  attacking the drone recording him-

“Yikes, that’s not good,” Donnie, understated, his drawn eyebrows raised in worry. “Well, that settles it, Mikey, stay behind us.” 

“Guys, look!” The box turtle pointed towards the stream of sewer water they were walking along. Leo’s eyes followed his brother’s finger, where he saw something red floating in the water.

His stomach dropped, afraid that he was seeing blood or something. However, he sighed in relief as he realized it was just Raph’s mask and belt. 

Leo blinked. “Wait, does that mean he’s walking around naked?” 

Donnie extended a metal claw from his protective shell and plucked them from the water. “Well, at least now we know we’re close. “

“Don’t worry Raph, we’re coming for ya!” Mikey shouted down the tunnel. Leo and Donnie, in unison, rushed to shush him.

“Mikey!”

“Shhh!”

**————————-**

**Nine Years Earlier**

** A six year old Raph was given a level of responsibility, being the oldest brother. Having been raised by a single rat in a sewer with no moneybrought those circumstances. Splinter would often put him in charge of his little brothers for short periods of time. Nothing too excessive, and usually for no longer than a few hours.  **

**Five year olds like Donnie and Leo were too reckless to be left in charge, and Splinter would come to find them causing trouble if he left them alone for too long (whether the house was in shambles or the twins would be fighting depended on the day). And Mikey was simply too small (and the twins might get annoyed at having their youngest brother telling them what to do). So Raph was put in charge more often than not. It usually went smoothly.**

**Until Donnie and Mikey got sick.**

**As a turtle so naturally vulnerable as a softshell, Donnie was always more prone to physical ailments and injuries as a child, and even as a teenager he was still not quite as durable as his siblings (though his genius more than made up for it). This time, he’d caught the flu.**

**Mikey was the second most vulnerable, due to being younger and, to his detriment, a lot more empathetic; he kept trying to hug and comfort his sicker brother, slipping into Donnie’s bed and trying to read to him, despite Raph, Leo and Splinter warning him not to get too close, or risk getting sick. Of course, the end result was obvious.**

**So, Splinter went up to the surface to get some groceries and medicine, leaving Raph, with Leo, in charge. “I’ll only be gone for a few hours. Be good, my sons. Take care of each other.”**

**The evening was uneventful; The three older turtles hung out on the couch. Donnie complained about being unable to watch his favorite movies because Leo refused to relinquish the remote, and Mikey was napping in his bed, finally sleeping after suffering a coughing fit.**

**Little did they know, that Splinter was going to take longer than he thought.**

**Splinter had been shopping for groceries, with a mask on - So did a lot of other shoppers, since it was flu season.**

**He was right at check out when he was stopped in his tracks by some strange men staring him down...**

** Needless to say, Splinter was a bit- busy- for more than a few hours. **

** Raph got some of the canned spaghetti from the fridge and served it among the turtles as the evening sky turned darker and darker. Where was dad? **

** Realizing it was getting very late, the snapper turtle put himself and his younger brothers to bed, hoping he’d see their father home by the morning.  **

** He didn’t. Splinter still wasn’t home.  **

**At first, Raph tried not to worry too much. But when Mikey started crying again because his throat and head were hurting, and Donnie was obviously feeling terrible (but, like always, refused to show it), he came to a decision.**

** “I’m gonna look for medicine and stuff,” He declared to Leo. “You’ve got to be like the big brother now.” **

** “Why can’t Donnie be in charge?” Leo exasperated. “He’s older.” Leo always insisted him and Donnie were the same age- until someone demanded responsibility from him, in which case, he was all too quick to point that responsibility back at Donnie. **

** “Donnie’s too sick. He needs you to help him. I’ve got to get the stuff dad was talking about. That way, Him and Mikey will get better. After all, heroes need to save people, right?” **

** With that, Raph walked away from their makeshift home. He was scared, but he knew what he was doing. Dad did this all the time, so it should be easy. He’s got this. **

**He doesn’t got this.**

**Raph got lost in the sewers almost immediately, being a six year old with no sense of direction.**

**It’d certainly been more than several hours, and he’d abandoned his mission of finding medicine in favor of just going home and waiting for his dad. If he could even find his way back.**

** A loud cluttering noise rang from a dark tunnel to his right. Raph’s eyes were lined with tears as he turned towards the sound with a whimper. He just wanted to go home. **

** Out of the darkness came a pair of large glowing eyes- attached to an even larger body. It was crocodile-like, a low growling coming from it mouth.  **

**In reality, the mutant was only the size of a regular, somewhat short, crocodile man- An older Raph with his brothers alongside him would have no problem with him.But to a tiny, imaginative, untrained kid, the monster was terrifying in ways that were inhuman.**

** All he could see was a giant sewer monster that probably wanted to kill him, or eat him. **

** Raph cries out loud and ran down a random tunnel, slipping and falling, as the monster chased after him. **

** Raph ran and hid behind some debris, covering his mouth so his breath didn’t make any noise.  **

** He could hear the monster’s footsteps get _louder and louder-_ **

** The turtle felt more anxiety in that one moment than he’d felt in his whole life up to that point- **

**He was being hunted down like some type of _animal_ -**

**_He was gonna die-_ **

****

**_He missed his dad, he just wanted his dad-_ **

**Raph’s mind scattered, held together by the nonsensical, scrambled logic of a scared child,mixed with the natural animalistic instinct to _panic_ , but some of the parts that were held together made a quick, unconscious decision to save themselves-**

**If he was being treated like an animal, _he’d act like one_.**

**As the monster drew closer, his mind blank, Raph _pounced, his sharp teeth and claws sinking into scaly, cold flesh-_**

**And then everything was black.**

**When Raph came to, he was still in the sewers, but a flashlight was being shined in his face. His eyesight was blurry, his head was pounding, even his thoughts were incoherent and _panicked_ -**

**On instinct, he growled at the light source, his secondary eyelids covering his eyes in a yellow film. He was covered in dirt, his football helmet cracked on the side, and his oversized red jersey dirty and ripped.**

**Whoever this was, he wanted nothing to do with them. _What if they were another monster-_**

**“Red?”**

**His dad was standing behind the light, concern etched into his face. Behind him was his second youngest brother. Leo was looking at him in confusion.**

**_Just how long had he been-?_ **

**“Dad- “**

** The panic, confusion, hunger, and exhaustion Raph felt finally pushed him over the edge, and the snapper started bawling, his fists hastily rubbing his eyes.  **

** “Dad... I’m sorry...” **

** Splinter ran and picked him up, shushing apologies - about how he should have been home sooner, how he got held up somewhere - and the three of them headed home. Raph fell asleep on his shoulder, exhausted from a combo of adrenaline loss and hunger; the last thing he saw being Leo’s concerned face. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone’s confused; Smol Raph encountered a sewer monster and was so traumatized that he went Savage. Basically, he was so scared that he devolved back to his instincts as a snapper turtle. 
> 
> Splinter’s trying his best, but he’s also a rat with no money or support system with four Mutant children whose been kidnapped by Big Mama for god knows how long.


	4. Altogether

“If you find Red, call me back.” Splinter said worriedly, Donnie, Leo and Mikey listening through the speaker of Donnie’s phone.

“Yeah, don’t worry,  _Papa_ , we’ll tell you when we find him. Don’t get your tail in a twist.” Donnie was trying to sound sarcastic and annoyed, but Leo could read through it. He could tell how nervous his twin was getting.

“I’m going to _ignore_ that, and hang up for your brother’s sake .” True to his word, their father hung up on them. 

Mikey was walking ahead of the older turtles,and while Leo wanted to make sure their pace was even (to avoid Mikey coming face first with danger before the other two do), Mikey seemed fully confident in his stride. What even was the youngest turtle thinking?

“ _Ugh_ ,“ Leo groaned, “How far do these tunnels even  go? How do we even know Raph didn’t climb out of here already and order a pizza, and is waiting for us back home?” He secretly wished that was the case, even though he knew it couldn’t be true.

“ Well, for one thing, ordering a pizza doesn’t take three days, and two, he most definitely would have been back by now.” The softshell’s tone sounded...off. Donnie’s head turned to Leo, the mini-flashlight attached to his goggles shining into Leo’s face.

“Hey, hey, hey, cut it out!” The blue clad turtle shielded his eyes. 

“Why don’t  _you_ cut it out with your whining? I didn’t know looking for your older brother was such a burden,  Nardo.” Donnie’s tone was even more bitter than usual.

“What are you talking about? Raph’s not a burden-“

“Yeah, you’re right, he’s the opposite! We’re a mess without him, and  _I’ve_ got to be the responsible one, while the two of you mess around, because if I’m not, I’m-“ Donnie cut himself off, looking down at the ground, his eyes unreadable with his goggles on, but Leo could see his lower lip warbling. 

“Donald...” Leo looked forward to Mikey, who was watching them with both his hands drawn to his chest and his head halfway tucked into his shell. 

Leo walked up to his twin and pushed the goggles off of his face. Donnie’s eyes were edged with tears. Leo wrapped his arms around his shoulders. 

“I’m fine, Nerdo,” Donnie said softly. The break in his voice said otherwise. “I just miss him.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find him.” Leo assured. 

Leo turned his head to tell Mikey to join in on the hug, but the box turtle was staring at something around the corner. “Hey, Miguel! Get in on this hug, I think we need one.”

“As much as I love hugs, I found something _even better,_ if there’s such a thing.” Mikey pointed around the corner. “I found Raph!”

“ _What?!”_ Leo and Donnie released each other and ran up to where Mikey was standing. The three peeked around the corner, and sure enough, Raph was there; sitting in sewer water, his spikes peeking through. He was a few yards away with his back turned towards them.

“I knew we’d find him, safe and sound,” Mikey beamed, as he stood from the corner and walked into the water. “Raph, we’re so glad we found you!”

Suddenly, Raph turned his head and stared at Mikey. Leo squinted as he examined the oldest turtle. He had a hunch something was wrong.

Raph turned around completely to face the box turtle and stood up to his full height, dwarfing Mikey. Normally, Raph’s size was comforting, since it was easy to sit on his shoulders or for him to pick them all up at once, but now...

He wasn’t wearing his signature red bandanna or his belts, with only the bandages on his arms covering him, though they were waterlogged and dripping. Somehow, he looked less like himself with his face uncovered. The look in his yellow eyes seemed unfocused and feral, without any humanity or warmth Raph usually had - which was a  lot. His teeth were bared, sharp and unpleasant.

Mikey, of course, only saw his big brother, but even he was able to tell something was off, as his voice took agentler tone. “Hey, Raph, lets just go home, okay? Everything’s gonna be _fine now-_ “

Donnie and Leo immediately rushed forward and grabbed Mikey, pulling him away from their brother a second before Raph lunged forward and snapped hard. If they hadn’t moved him out of the way, Raph probably would have taken a chunk out of the box turtle.

“Oh geez, I was afraid it would be like this again,” Donnie groaned, taking out his Bo-staff. Leo and Mikey followed suit.

“Raph, listen,” Leo spoke out, hoping he’d get through to him, “Just calm down, we’re trying to help you, okay? Just take some deep breaths oH SWEET JESUS-“

Raph suddenly charged at them, only armed with his claws and teeth, but it was really all he needed. “ _Invaders! Squash!_ ”

Leo raised his sword. He really didn’t want to fight his eldest brother, but he didn’t really have a choice.

\-----——————————————————-

Raph was _afraid._

He had been able to rest, just for a second; he sat down in the water, feeling it rush through his fingers. The paranoia and base fear was still present of course - they always were - but he was so tired that he simply _couldn’t_ walk anymore. 

And then, suddenly, three creatures - three  _monsters_ , something in his mind clarified- showed up. Something about them was vaguely familiar - the colors, blue, purple, orange, and different tones of green, all brought up feelings of...warmth. He felt himself lose a little bit of the fear-

Until the orange one moved  _way_ too close him, and then it swiftly returned.

Raph couldn’t comprehend what species these creatures were, if they were any particular one. He could comprehend them as well as the identical walls of the sewers, as well as he could himself. They were unrecognizable, and yet, so familiar.

The orange one looked at him, with big pleading eyes, devoid of aggression, and vaguely pulling at Raph’s heartstrings. He was much larger than it; the orange thing was only as tall as his hip. _So why was he so afraid-?_

_It‘s because it wants to kill Raph,_ he thought, and then he snapped. _It wants to kill **you**._

He kept telling himself that when it looked at him with those big sad eyes.

The voices of the creatures - his  attackers,  _the invaders_ \- were pleading with him to calm down, and that they only wanted to help. But he knew what they _really_ wanted.  _They wanted to kill him._

He lunged at them, his teeth and nails clacking with the weapon of the blue one. Tearful and conflicted eyes with red marks peered up at him, and he felt a  _pain in his chest looking at them-_  
  


So he looked away. _They wanted to kill him._

He couldn’t even rationalize the fight, all of it being a painful, confusing blur. Regardless, he ended up cornered, stuck in a dead end of a sewer, the three of them blocking all of his means to escape. 

He was breathing heavily. He just wanted to be left  _ alone. _

Over thepanic and static plaguing his mind, he heard the orange one speak, though he could only listen halfway.

“-Onnie, I put something in your shell pocket before we lef-“

The orange one walked up to him again. Despite how exhausted he was, how he felt so tired that he could just collapse right then and there,  he was willing to fight _them over and over again if it meant escaping_ _-_

The orange one was holding something out to him. It was-

A football. With a red mask on it.  _His_ football.

He winced at the sudden memory. He didn’t have a football. He didn’t have _anything_.  It’d always just been him, _alone in these sewers-_

Sensing his apprehension, the orange one smiled and tossed it to him. “Go long!”

Instinctively, he caught it. He felt himself  _laugh._ Gosh, it felt like an eternity since he’d last laughed. When _had_ he last laughed-?

Holding it now, he ran his fingers over the edges thoughtfully, his attention on it completely. The fear that had followed him everywhere was starting to drift away...  
  


Absentmindedly, he brought the ball up to his cheek and rubbed his face on it, grounded by the texture. It was the first form of comfort he’d felt down here...

No, the football wasn’t all he had. The football was only a part of it -he remembered his family, his dad, his sister April, his  _brothers_ -

-He’d attacked them, and didn’t even know it.  _What kind of big brother was he?_

Overwhelmed with sudden pain again, Raph whimpered and closed his eyes, clutching the ball to his chest. He felt three pairs of arms wrap around him as he sunk to his knees, and started weeping.

After several minutes, he opened his eyes again. His brothers were all there, holding onto him, shouting over each other in their own weird attempts to reassure him.

“Raph, we love you, you’re the best big brother in the world-“ Mikey blubbered, tears streaming down his face.

“While I don’t agree with Mikey I know now is not the time to argue, so I love you too and I was really worried-“ Donnie’s eyes were pricked with tears too.

“BIG BROTHER-“ Leo wasn’t crying, but his shooting more than made up for it.

All of them were talking at once, and Raph was getting a bit of a headache. “Guys, guys, I’m ok... I think.”

He was still tired, and hungry, and shaken up, but the irrational fear and paranoia that was overwhelming him for so long was gone now, a strange memory sectioned off in his mind.His brothers looked up at them in relief.

  
Savage Raph was gone for now. 

“Oh thank goodness!” Mikey smiled and tightened his arms around Raph’s shoulders.

“Yeah, I  definitely wasn’t worried. I had everything handled while you were gone, so, your welcome for being a very cool and responsible big bro while you were absent,” Donnie said weakly, crossing his arms, “but I missed you too.”

“No, we were a huge mess,” Leo clarified, glaring at Donnie, “We’re sorry we kept what happened last time a secret. We didn’t want you to feel guilty, because it wasn’t really your fault, and we knew it’d get complicated-“

Mikey released Raph’s neck and leaned back enough for Raph to see his face. “Yeah! No matter what, we all think you’re great.”

Raph smiled, tears coming to his eyes. “Oh, I love you guys.” He scooped up all three of his younger brothers into a group hug.

The four stood up. Donnie pulled out his phone. “ I’m gonna call dad and let him know we found you.”

Mikey hopped onto Raph’s shoulders, ignoring his older brother’s exhaustion. “We’ll order your favorite pizza once we get back. Or - even better- I’ll make one _myself_!”

Leo groaned. “Let’s just  order one, I’m too tired to wait for food.”

Raph smiled as the four of them walked out of the tunnels together, glad he wasn’t alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I watched Man Vs Sewer and wanted to write this piece, since there’s an insane lack of Savage! Raph content. Hope you enjoy it :)


End file.
